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My new tall, dark and handsome boyfriend was standing across the room looking so fine in his shirt; I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Meanwhile, I was at the snack table and before I could curse myself for leaving him to go in for another cheesy cracker, I was accosted by a buddy’s wife I barely knew, a bitch named Sue. I wanted to say something like, “He’s not as old as those frown lines make you look,” or “He has the biggest d**k I’ve ever seen!